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Har fullt upp med min C-uppsats och hinner inte uppdatera mina skrivelser lika ofta, så till min hjälp tar jag Alex Stiebling - en gammal goding. Denna artikel är daterad till 2004 och jag minns den än idag. Läs och begrunda då det är en del intressanta tankar:

[9/14/2004] To most this phrase seems ludicrous, it defies everything that we as humans have ever been taught. Through typical thought process it seems to defy our nature, not as humans but even as animals. The animal that is able to fight longer and harder is assured a mate, therefore insuring his genes will continue. Not only does this seem to go against the conditioning of our win-at-all-cost society, but it at some level would be an admission of failure.

Give up hope for a better tomorrow -- this is loser talk, the words of a bum on the street, an addict, a drone. Give up the dream ... search for hopelessness: These are not the words of a man who bleeds in the ring time and time again.

Give up hope? Without hope how does a man stand back up when he has been knocked down by life? Without hope how can a man stand at all? Why get out of bed in the morning? Why care about anything if there is no hope, no dream, no future? These words, phrases, ideas had drifted in and out of my brain for some time, unable to grasp their meaning, but yet I was somehow able to taste their potency.

They floated on top of my brain as if waiting for the exact moment that my mind would open up and let them fill my soul. This moment came only a month ago. It was while my training partner, Jeremy Horn, and I were standing in Seoul's airport after we had each fought.

My fight with Rogerio Nogueira was probably the best athletic performance of my life, and I was content even with a loss. Jeremy, however, had torn his groin in the first round of his fight, which dramatically affected his performance. Even with a debilitating injury Jeremy soldiered through, continually pressing forward, though he could mount little offense. It was a testament of true character.

While we stood at the airport I told Jeremy that it took a lot of heart to continue to press the fight even though it was obvious things were not going his way. Then Jeremy said something that will stay with me till my dying day. He said, "That means a lot coming from you. You're the king of heart." I smiled at him and then quickly turned away as my eyes filled with tears. To have Jeremy Horn -- a man who has fought everywhere, done everything, cornered the best in the world -- say that to me was, to say the least, overwhelming.

On the 13-hour flight home his words repeated over and over again in my mind. Until I realized the truth of the matter, the truth was that it wasn't heart that made me fight so hard, it wasn't heart that made me stand up when I was down. The truth was that I stood up because I was hopeless.

This realization made me recall so many of the fights that I had experienced and what most would see as a great feat of heart. The moments when everyone thought it was over, the moments when no one thought I could or should get up, but I did. The truth is it wasn't just the crowd, my opponent, or my corner that thought it was over, but I as well thought there was no hope.

I began to think about how just before I fought a 16-man tournament in Venezuela, I had given up the dream and applied for the fire department. In my first fight in the tournament, when my opponent had my back and was landing shot after shot to my temple, I remember thinking, "I can't fight three more times tonight."

Getting pounded by a beast of a man in Finland. Taking punishing shots from Joe Riggs while I was pinned against the cage, and hearing his corner yell to the ref, "For God sakes stop the fight!"

Being up on the cage, split in the first round against Tim McKenzie.

Walking into the ring, facing Nogueira thinking, "Can I even compete against this guy?"

Directly after each one of these moments one thought passed through my mind: "I'm not going to win this one, but fuck it let's just fight!"

Recalling these moments and the state of my mind I realized one undisputable truth. Once I let go of the ideal I was free, totally free in the moment. Free to act in any way I saw fit, free to stand without fear, free of attachment. I stood and continued to fight not to win, but because I wanted to experience the pain, the despair, the hopelessness. I wanted to experience the freedom, freedom from my ego, freedom from myself. No longer looking for the hope of a happy ending, I was able to find happiness in the moment of struggle. I remember while Riggs was beating me with everything he had, he looked up and in his eyes he asked me "Why, why are you still here?" Without a word I answered him, "Because I can."

Many years ago I realized that it was impossible to break a man. Man is too complex, too many conditions that have brought him to the place where I now meet him. You can't look to break a man, but rather break him of his motives. Without motives a man has no reason to continue. If a man's motives are only to win, show him he can't win and he'll quit. If his motives are to punish him, show him that this punishment does not concern you and his spirit will fall.

With this realization I began a search for pure motives, so I could be unbreakable. I pondered, experimented, reasoned, meditated all in vain, for all motives carry intention, and nothing with intention can be pure. No longer do I search, I now immerse myself in hopelessness for the future, so that I can find freedom in the moment.